Would it kill you to be a little more supportive in my future endeavors, as a matter of fact in any endeavors at all? Sometimes it just feels like you don’t give a flying fuck with whatever I do unless it relates to school. If it’s school you try to micromanage the shit out of me and you still make me feel incompetent. Just give it a rest for once, I can take care of myself when it comes to school, I know what I’m doing. I managed to make it in the top 5%, but to you that still isn’t good enough, with school I’m never good enough. With everything else that I work so hard for you’re never there supporting or encouraging me, never, not once. It just feels like you don’t care and sometimes I just feel like a hassle, and I’m sick of feeling that way and I shouldn’t have to feel that way. I’m sick of having to do everything for myself with nothing from you, I’m sick of you.
Continuing to live — that is, repeat
A habit formed to get necessaries —
Is nearly always losing, or going without.
It varies.
This loss of interest, hair, and enterprise —
Ah, if the game were poker, yes,
You might discard them, draw a full house!
But it’s chess.
And once you have walked the length of your mind, what
You command is clear as a lading-list.
Anything else must not, for you, be thought
To exist.
And what’s the profit? Only that, in time,
We half-identify the blind impress
All our behavings bear, may trace it home.
But to confess,
On that green evening when our death begins,
Just what it was, is hardly satisfying,
Since it applied only to one man once,
And that one dying.
Continuing to Live-Philip Larkin
When I was a child, I thought,
Casually, that solitude
Never needed to be sought.
Something everybody had,
Like nakedness, it lay at hand,
Not specially right or specially wrong,
A plentiful and obvious thing
Not at all hard to understand.
Then, after twenty, it became
At once more difficult to get
And more desired - though all the same
More undesirable; for what
You are alone has, to achieve
The rank of fact, to be expressed
In terms of others, or it’s just
A compensating make-believe.
Much better stay in company!
To love you must have someone else,
Giving requires a legatee,
Good neighbours need whole parishfuls
Of folk to do it on - in short,
Our virtues are all social; if,
Deprived of solitude, you chafe,
It’s clear you’re not the virtuous sort.
Viciously, then, I lock my door.
The gas-fire breathes. The wind outside
Ushers in evening rain. Once more
Uncontradicting solitude
Supports me on its giant palm;
And like a sea-anemone
Or simple snail, there cautiously
Unfolds, emerges, what I am.
—best society, philip larkin
Quote
"I’d be smiling and chatting away, and my mind would be floating around somewhere else, like a balloon with a broken string."Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (via jusellietokitoinkee)
(Source: quote-book)
It’s sad because it’s true.
So my two older brothers like to mess with me, and lately the running joke has been how unfeminine I am, which is the truth. They’ve been calling me their little brother. This Wednesday when I wore a dress for the Judo/Rotary Banquet my oldest brother said it’s the first time he realized he had a little sister… asfhkjdflhs SAD. DAY. I’m feeling so restless and ready to move on to the next chapter that I’ve been thinking crazy thoughts. Everyone and I mean everyone seems to have gotten wasted at least once already and I’m starting to realize it’s not that bad.
Maybe in college I’ll change and actually start dressing like a girl, wear my hair down or even wear makeup. Maybe I’ll even get rid of my straight edged goody goody two shoes persona and just let loose and maybe just maybe get wasted once. Who knows what the future holds? I want to travel so badly right now, mmhmmm Korea sounds so nice right now. Every inch of space is packed with stores, sounds, smells, people and just life. I don’t really care where just as long as it’s outside of Washington… “take me on a trip I’d like to go somewhere…”
I feel like I’ve been sleeping for too long now, I want to wake up and live… I mean really live.
It’s finally all over, and it’s a lot more sad than I realized it would be. So bittersweet and I don’t want to let go and say it is really all over. Goodbye Kentwood Judo, it was a good run. I met so many wonderful and fantastic people through judo, grew so much as a person and when it comes down to it I just had an amazing time filled with memories. This chapter of my judo life is now complete and it’s off to the next at UW.
